Human beings are a bunch of intelligent animal. We are so intelligent that we can cook, eat, work and are thinker. We have questions. Egg first or chicken first? Does God really exist. Many questions but some questions would never have an answer. So are we really that intelligent?

If God really exist, i wish i could ask him why am i here to suffer? Didn’t we were taught that we are to go through punishment in the hell for all the sinful things we had done in life before we get to reborn again? If that is true, shouldn’t i says my sin has been purified? If is true that tat i’ve been purified and is sinless now, why am i here to suffer? Isn’t it true that i should be get started refresh. If God really exist, shouldn’t i says i would be in the heaven and not here again? I know no one can answer these questions. I wish i would never here. i know i can’t change the fact. All because of a man that played in a rain without a raincoat and as a result, the woman got pregnant. The baby inside is me. And you know what, i never get to see the man. To make the matter worst, i was sent to my grandmother when i was juz a baby because my mum need to work and has no time for me.

My childhood life was very care-free becos my grandmother is a addicted gambler and therefore she spent most of her time on a manjong table than me. When she is happy and have some money to spend, she would buy many taoist statues home to worship them for better luck. But if she lost heavily, she would sweep them all away and leave them under a tree in our apartment block below instantly. Maybe becos of what she did, the retribution actually comes to me.

If you are old enough like me, you may still remember that during the early 80’s, some of the lifts on the ground floor in the HDB were installed with CCTV and a small TV set would be installed outside the lift for people waiting outside to see the activity inside the lift car. That was to curb lift robbery. I was once waiting for the lift at my block below and i saw someone inside the lift coming down. But, when the lift car opened, there was nothing inside. I was too young to feel frighten then. I didn’t bother to tell anyone becos i don’t have anyone to talk to and no one would bother me. However, things get worst after sometimes. I start hearing someone talking to me so i answered them back. But people around me says i am crazy ‘siao’. It was only after one of my grandmother manjong kakis brought me to a temple that saved me for awhile. I was told that my body was possessed with spirit. And that they can ward it off but the solution is only temporary. Becos my body is sort of weak and it can be possessed by the spirit easily. The long term solution is, i have to get a master which is a deity to possess on me, another word means i have to be a medium so that the stateless spirit cannot own my body.

We went through numerous times of unsuccessful trance before i was finally possessed by Qian Shou Qian Yen Guan Yin. the god of mercy with thousand hands and thousand eyes. i was 17 then and i went thru juz only primary education. But i could read chinese poem without script and write chinese graphy very well like a pro. Behind every successful temple is always women. With the helps of the mouth of the manjong aunties, words of our temple spread very fast n wide. Many visitors came to our temple juz to take a closer glimpse of me possessing the rare Qian Shou Qian Yen. Some visitors were purely Buddhists. They were there juz to seek direct enlightenment from the guan yin. Many whom are also very young professional. The temple were usually so crowded that peoples were so closed to me and i could feel their existance even when they are standing behind my back becos they were blocking my thousand hands movement. Of course, they were not doing it intentionally becos they can’t my virtual hands. However, i feel very tired everytime after i detrance becos the load of the thousand hands were so heavy for me. It was very stressful for a young little girl like me. How many times or how many years do i have to go thru this? I’m only 17. I decided to quit after few months becos i cant take the stress in my body anymore.

With little education, i found a job as a waitress in a music pub. With little family bonding, i felt love for the first time easily. With little knowledge of evil in man (i mean some men) i fall unreservedly for him. juz when i thought the weather is fine for the day, it rain and we went without any raincoat. I got pregnant. i was not ready for this. Thus, i got the baby aborted.

Not only that my physical body is pain due to the abortion, my heart is also very painful. Juz when i’m down and am in need of his love and support at this time, the mother’s son of a bitch aborted me.

Why does this have to happen to me?

My mother married to a man whom is a Christian. And she has since baptised and is now a Christian too. She invite me to live with her so that i could continue to enjoy the home cooked food. I started to feel the family bonding and love after all these years. I getting more mature and the invisible wound in me also started to heal soundlessly. Than, i met John in my working place. Although John doesn’t have a stable job and income but he always there for me. Waiting for me in a quiet corner in my working place everynight just to see and send me home. He shower me with alots of love i missed from my previous love. His sincerity also touches me deeply. Soon, our love blomson very fast like a bullet train.

Financially, John is a poor chap. He has no bright future. But he can give me alot of love and care i have been lacking of since young. So, i dont mind giving him all i have in exchange for unlimited love i always wanted. I started paying for his everything. From his handphone bill to his football gambing debts. I dont mind doing that becos money is not important to me. But, i was wrong again. Due to the nature of my job, i met many male customers. John started to feel insecure and he feel worried that i might leave him for someone better and therefore he plant black magic on me so that i would be in control by him. He used the spirit of my aborted child to control me whenever i’m not with him. I would feel sick, restless and moody. But when i get back to him, i feel energetic. Is weird but no one feel anything amissed in me. As such, this thing was dragged for sometimes untill finally the sky opened it eyes for me. ?? ?!

Peoples around me started to realise that i sometimes talked to myself. As for me, i know i was not talking to myself. I was talking to a boy. I always see him around. Sometimes playing by himself, sometimes come near to me and therefore we talks. For this, my family sent me to the Woodbridge hospital again. I scolded the nurses there for restraining me. I struggle to break free from them and thus, they tight me up and isolate me in a pole bed. My mother and her family are Christian and therefore question like spirit and black magic would never come into her mind. They thought i was too stressful with work. It was my cousin that saved me. My cousin is a Buddhist. There was once when she was in the hospital visiting me, she saw me talking to someone she cant see but my eyes was looking down. She suspect that it is a child spirit talking to me. Quickly, she recalled that i had a history of abortion. As a Buddhist herself, she also believing that child spirits would continue to stay within their mother if ritual for them to re-incarnation is not done after abortion. (Chinese believe that once a foetus is formed in a woman, it has live. That’s why, the age starts counting from the month the woman got pregnant and that explained why every Chinese age is added with one more year above the date of birth)

With the help of my cousin, the hospital staff was cooperative enough to let me discharged to seek consultation from a medium. By appointment, we went to Dua Ya Tua with my mother. Dua ya was firmed tat the child spirit i saw and talked to was a result of black magic. The child spirit is harmless but i need to do 3 years of ritual for him so that he can be directed back to where he came from. For now, Dua Ya Pek has since broke the spell and instructed the child spirit to stay outside the temple and he will bring him back with him after the session. My mother was beside me.

She asked ” i saw black image in our home too, was that the child?”
Dua ya says ” what is your date of birth, let me check for you”.
She replied “cannot, my religion dont believe this”.
Dua ya than answered “then why you asked???”
She stucked!

When i stepped out of the temple, i saw the child standing at a corner mean for the wandering soul. I took a glance for the last time. I had not only removed his foetus in me, i had also removed his chance of reincarnation. What i cant removed from him is his sadness. I wanted to say sorry to him but i dare not to. I know it would not help ease his pain. I will repay by performing 3 years of ritual for him. I know that is not enough but that is what i can do for him for now. I sincerely hope all the young people out there don’t do what i have done so as not to be lived with only regretful.